"Meet me on the football field after school." Junior high school had a few frightening moments, but nothing caused my stomach to churn like what I heard coming from Toby's mouth. This was not an invitation to a friendly game of touch or flag football. I wish it had been. I was new and eager to make new friends. But, on this occasion, I was being invited to a fight, as the guest of honor. Don't ask me why. I don't recall doing anything offensive, other than being puny. They didn't have Geeks and Nerds in my youth, but I think you get the picture. Of course, I didn't take them up on their invitation. Are you kidding!? This guy was a descendant of Anak. It would not have been a pretty sight.
To this day, I still don't like to fight. I will avoid one if at all possible. Sometimes, a fight though can't be avoided. And, sometimes, a fight is exactly what is needed. When I do premarital counseling, I ask the couple what they fight about. If they tell me they have never had a fight, then I tell them they aren't ready to be married. Fighting, or some other form of conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Many individuals believe that conflict is to be avoided because it is always destructive. I believe the opposite is true. Conflict is to be embraced because it can be constructive. It can result in growth in relationships, especially in the church.
Conflict is typically about differences between individuals relative to what they want and what they believe is important. When I teach conflict management, I encourage parties to argue in front of me. It isn't that I am sadistic and like to see people get hurt. I want to point out to them where their communication is breaking down. Quite often, the argument goes something like what I hear at home between my two kids. "I want this." "I want that." "That's not fair, he got to choose last time." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did." "Wanna fight?"
That type of fight is destructive. It is entirely about self and pride in one's own position (James 1:9-10) and shows a complete lack of concern for the welfare of the other. Even more significant, if it takes place in the church, it is a total disregard for the body of Christ. Paul counseled the Philippians, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil. 2:3)."
I am not advocating that we back down to bullies, especially in the church, and just let them have their own way. But, we need to take time to consider what people want. Where we need to focus most of our attention is on why that is so important to them. When we take the time to listen to what they want and why, they will realize that we care (James 1:19). And, it may be they have a good point to make, or a perspective that we haven't considered. Then, they may be more inclined to listen to what we want and why that is important to us. Ultimately, we may want the same thing...to bring glory to God. Where we differ may just be in terms of how we want to accomplish that.
So, yes, I do want to fight. I don't want to avoid conflict; because, that just breeds resentment and bitterness, and often results in hostilities down the road. But, I want a fight where there is a willingness on both parts to listen, to talk about what we want and what is important, and to find a solution that will honor God and edify the body of Christ.
Meet you on the football field.
Doulos
To this day, I still don't like to fight. I will avoid one if at all possible. Sometimes, a fight though can't be avoided. And, sometimes, a fight is exactly what is needed. When I do premarital counseling, I ask the couple what they fight about. If they tell me they have never had a fight, then I tell them they aren't ready to be married. Fighting, or some other form of conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Many individuals believe that conflict is to be avoided because it is always destructive. I believe the opposite is true. Conflict is to be embraced because it can be constructive. It can result in growth in relationships, especially in the church.
Conflict is typically about differences between individuals relative to what they want and what they believe is important. When I teach conflict management, I encourage parties to argue in front of me. It isn't that I am sadistic and like to see people get hurt. I want to point out to them where their communication is breaking down. Quite often, the argument goes something like what I hear at home between my two kids. "I want this." "I want that." "That's not fair, he got to choose last time." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did." "Wanna fight?"
That type of fight is destructive. It is entirely about self and pride in one's own position (James 1:9-10) and shows a complete lack of concern for the welfare of the other. Even more significant, if it takes place in the church, it is a total disregard for the body of Christ. Paul counseled the Philippians, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil. 2:3)."
I am not advocating that we back down to bullies, especially in the church, and just let them have their own way. But, we need to take time to consider what people want. Where we need to focus most of our attention is on why that is so important to them. When we take the time to listen to what they want and why, they will realize that we care (James 1:19). And, it may be they have a good point to make, or a perspective that we haven't considered. Then, they may be more inclined to listen to what we want and why that is important to us. Ultimately, we may want the same thing...to bring glory to God. Where we differ may just be in terms of how we want to accomplish that.
So, yes, I do want to fight. I don't want to avoid conflict; because, that just breeds resentment and bitterness, and often results in hostilities down the road. But, I want a fight where there is a willingness on both parts to listen, to talk about what we want and what is important, and to find a solution that will honor God and edify the body of Christ.
Meet you on the football field.
Doulos
No comments:
Post a Comment